Several years ago, when I was in college, and thought I had "grown up", and new as much as every other adult (boy was I wrong), a platonic male friend of mine empathetically stated, that he was talking to some of the other boys in his dorm, and they had decided that they could never marry (or even date) anybody who was unattractive.
He used what he thought was evidence that sexual attraction was a big part of marriage and without it a marriage couldn't exist.
I disagreed. Being empathetic, and a fighter for the underdog, I argued "what about the ugly people?", imaging those with burn scars, and horrific injuries.
He said "no, no, it can't be done."
It didn't make sense to me. Why base a relationship on looks. He argued that he wasn't. Of course he'd want other good qualities in a mate, but she would have to be attractive.
Evidently, he thought I was attractive, because less than a year later, I sat on the floor in office of my home, with the light off, and listened to him cry on the other end of the phone. He loved me. He was afraid to tell me. He couldn't take rejection. What if it ended our friendship?
He was right to wonder about such things, because I did say no, and it did end our friendship. At first I thought we could just be friends, but things changed, he became very nasty, and I told him I never wanted to see him again.
I've wondered about him over the years, and even felt guilty for ending it the way I did, but I just couldn't go out with him. He was ironically, unattractive, actually he didn't know it but he bordered on ugly. That wasn't the reason I didn't go out with him. I won't go into tearing him apart in this blog post, but just trust me, there were other reasons.
Ironically, I am no longer attractive. I've gotten older, gained weight, and quit wearing make-up. I am not small thin adolescent beauty I used to be. I was only 19, when he was so attracted to me.
What if I had said "yes"? What if we had gotten married, had kids, and lived the cosy nuclear family life that he wanted so much? Would divorce have followed? Would our children be left without a Dad, as he and his siblings were?
It's impossible to stay beautiful until your 90's. (No I'm not 90 - not even close). Eventually age makes that teen / 20 something body disappear. I'm sure he doesn't look like he did when he was 19 either. I'm sure he's even uglier than he used to be.
Why does the society we live in, place so much value in something that's useless, without substance, and shallow?
If he found a beautiful girl, she's not 19 anymore. Maybe she's skinny. Maybe she wears make up. But I can guarantee she doesn't look like she did when they first met. And does that make her any less worthy? Does it make her any less loved? For his sake I hope not. Otherwise his marriage will end the same way his parents did.
A marriage can not be based on looks, because looks don't last.
And me. I'm very happy that I said no, and I'm very glad that I told him never to contact me again. I deserve to be judged by my quality of character and not my quality of looks.
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